I feel blessed to have grown up in a time and place when the family “village” was strong, close, and intact. There were weekend day trips to the park or the movies or to swim in backyard pools. At my cousins’ homes I remember singing about my “cool rider” while acting out scenes from Grease 2, feeling so empowered while playing Charlie’s Angels, and getting my first ever make-up lessons- GAH blue eyeliner!!! There were big holiday gatherings with boisterous debates around a thirty plus person table where someone inevitably yelled, “Bullshit!” among impassioned opinions being shared in good fun.
I always envisioned continuing this tradition with my own family- inviting grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins over as we shout and laugh over a smorgasbord of homemade smells and delicious family recipes…
But before we were even parents, life took my new husband and me to the other side of the country, and my village disappeared. Gone were the possibilities of birthday parties, and Black Friday shopping trips, and random, “I had a rough day, wanna come over and help me finish this bottle of wine/box of chocolate/carton of ice cream” texts. No longer would there be opportunities to cheer on my sisters’ children from the sidelines of their competitions. No more Christmas baking, or family game nights or dinners just because.
It’s not easy to be on the outside looking in. It’s hurtful to seldom be the vacation destination because “It’s easier for you to come here and see everyone”. To be missing from all the recently created memories. To see your face replaced by strangers in photos. To know that your absence means way more to you than just physical distance. To feel like an outsider when you visit. To know that your children won’t get to hear the amazing and funny family history, especially about a generation that they will never get to meet, while reminiscing at family gatherings.
For years its made me anxious and depressed. There have been times I’ve felt invisible and unimportant, and like my village doesn’t even notice or feel my absence. Often, I’ve felt overwhelmed with how to do it all by myself. It’s lonesome.
But what I’ve begun to realize is, though they may not be blood related, or share the same history, my village is bigger and stronger than I could have hoped for. It’s spread across the entire country! My family has been included in holidays and celebrations that have enriched our lives with new experiences and introduced us to new traditions. We’ve had new and different family stories shared with us, opening our eyes to unique perspectives. We’ve been taught new skills and shown new places.
We’ve been embraced by amazing folks who choose to call us "family". Without obligation, without shared history, and without hesitation, we have been lifted up by such a wonderful tribe of unexpected supporters! Whether I’m struggling with parenting, work, finances, marriage, or just life in general, there is never a shortage of people asking, “What do you need? How can I support you?”
In the past, I think I took these offers for granted, or failed to notice the positive impact made by these fantastic souls, while I was busy chasing it from those I thought it should come from. I’m exhausted from running after something I will never catch up to. And my tribe has shown me that I don’t have to. They love and embrace my family as part of their own, knowing that I do the same. Celebrate or commiserate, we do it together. My kindred spirits.
When I was a girl, I had a very clear picture in my mind of what people meant when they said, “It takes a village”. And, while my view on what that looks like has adapted, the sentiment remains. It really does take a village to do life- especially now.
So, find your people. Embrace your tribe. Love them hard. Invite them to your table and toast them at theirs. Introduce them to your traditions and be open-minded in learning new ones. Cheer for their triumphs and sit with them in the darkness. Listen to their stories.
Family is whoever and whatever you want it to be. How will you create and cultivate yours?