Being vulnerable in a world that exploits weakness is not an easy feat, but I am humbled and gratefu

Fans and friends,

Please forgive me for abandoning you. I've been working through some personal issues, and, to be honest, just couldn't focus on another thing. But, I'm back, and ready to get you the rest of Tricia's story by summer's end! Love you guys....

The last year of my thirties has been tumultuous, to say the least. As I sit and reflect, I think I have come to the realization that I've been living with high functioning depression. There, I said it. Those around me see the ever smiling, “what can I do to help?” Corinne; and, while that woman is a HUGE part of who I am (and have always been), inside, I'm screaming.

It's getting harder and harder to keep that smile going, so, for my own sanity, and my own inner peace, I need to let go of some things. I'm sure that some will be hurt or angered by my words, and, I suppose it is your right to feel how you feel. Just know that my intent is not to hurt anyone, but help myself move past this black cloud I've been living under.

First, I need to let go of the notion that I need to be everything to everyone. Sometimes, it's OK to say “No”. I've never been any good at this, and, because of that, I take an exorbitant amount on to my plate- leaving me feeling overwhelmed. Then, when, because of my load, I am unable to give each task the attention it deserves, I'm left feeling guilty and defeated. This cycle needs to stop. For those close to me, please know that, while it would be my heart's desire to do everything everyone asks of me, I simply cannot anymore. Please also know that I will always be there for you in whatever capacity I am able, and that my lack of availability is in no way indicative of my feelings for you.

Second, I've been really hurting and feeling down about the lack of support from those I felt closest to. When I began the process of becoming a published author, it was really exciting, and really scary. This was one of the first real big endeavors that was just for me, and, while I never banked on becoming rich and famous, I thought some of the people in my life would be much more supportive than they have been. I've even put myself out there, specifically asking for support and feedback only to get nothing from those people, in return.

I read a quote recently that said, “Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.” I realize now that, I am falling victim to this, and it's not fair. It is who I am to be a cheerleader for those I care about- a trait I am humbly proud of. However, it's completely unfair of me to be upset with those who don't carry that trait.

Therefore, going forward, I will choose to focus on those who have been supportive, and have been cheerleaders for me. THANK YOU, my kindred spirits! Your encouragement and kind words have meant a lot to me, and I'm sorry if I wasn't thankful enough to you. Some of you were a surprise, and I am so grateful for the new perspective, and friendships :)

Third, my entire life I have been a great friend. Similar to my familial and romantic relationships, I tend to put my whole heart and soul into it (see a pattern?). But, again, it is unfair of me to expect that same level of friendship from those that are incapable of giving it. I will no longer spend time wondering what I did wrong, or why I'm not good enough, because it's not my issue. Instead, I will choose to focus on cultivating the friendships I have with those that truly want to be part of my life. High school was a long time ago, and I've simply moved on.

Next, I need to remind myself that, my work ethic and career success aren't measured by awards or pats on the back, but by the difference I make in the lives of the families I touch. The sweet notes, emails, cards and messages of gratitude and genuine care I have received from the families I've been fortunate enough to know over the years, far outweighs any accolades I could ever receive. I have been lucky enough to meet some wonderful kids and families, and have learned as much from them, as they ever did from me!

Also, I've struggled, as all parents do, with the fact that I'm not the perfect mom. Except, you know what I realized? I may not be what society would consider the perfect mom, but I AM the perfect mom for MY boys, and that's all that matters. Yeah, my kids may not get a bath every night, and sometimes they eat junk food and play video games all day long. But, when my oldest is having an anxiety attack, or my youngest is crying from the mean words of bullies, it's my hugs and kisses and reassurance that makes them smile again. It's ME knowing THEM that makes them remember what amazing boys they really are, and NO ONE else can do that for them.

I promise my fellow moms, that I will do my best not to judge, or even offer my opinion (unless you ask for it!), and I humbly ask you to do the same. None of us have the same family dynamics and life experiences as another, so, how on Earth can we judge each other? At the end of the day, it's YOU knowing YOUR KIDDOS, too <3

Finally, I've spent my whole life feeling somewhat invisible. Call it “middle child syndrome” if you want, but it was real, and has continued to be for much of my adult life. But, what it's taken me almost forty years to realize is, I shine whether others see it or not. My mother tried to tell me this in a birthday card once. I was too young then to appreciate her words, but, I think I finally do.

She said, “Today you're 17 & at the threshold of all that adulthood offers. Use your gifts- A Loving Heart, a Joyous Spirit, a Creative Imagination, a deep sense of Friendship & the Joy of Laughter. This is a rich palate from which to paint your Future. A rainbow for you & those you touch...” I'm sorry I forgot, Mom. I promise to start painting again…

So, here I am, at almost 40, and the threshold of what feels like a new beginning of sorts. While I may need some reminders from those I love along the way, I am choosing to stop seeing the glass as half empty. I am choosing to embrace all of the little flaws, and fuck ups that make me, me. 'Cause ya know what? I ROCK! I am choosing to surround myself with others that, not only rock themselves, but keep me rockin' too!

I am choosing to see my glass as full, dammit! Now pass the champagne, 'cause this bitch needs a refill!